Oops I… forgot to love myself

love myself

I’ve just spent an hour trying desperately to unglaze my eyes, to snap out of my inner panic and focus on the work ahead of me. Why? Well, I was just asked to model in a campaign for a boxing women’s-wear company. If the thought of doing that doesn’t immediately drop your stomach, consider yourself lucky. 

My mind is immediately flooded with questions and thoughts. I tell myself they only want me because they are trying to show ‘inclusive’ bodies. I wonder how long I have to lose weight before the shoot. If I go for a run every morning for two weeks, what kind of difference would that make? How many smoothies and salads until I like myself? 

Tale as old as time

I’ve had weight issues ever since I can remember. Well-intended, but biting comments by many a family member crawled into my psyche and have made themselves a comfortable home there for the last decade. I’d resigned to being the ‘funny girl’ or the ‘tomboy’ during my adolescence to make myself more comfortable with the idea of being unattractive. I would tell myself that I wasn’t pretty because I had short hair, because I had curly hair, because I was overweight, because I was dark. It slowly transitioned from not liking how I looked because I didn’t think guys liked it to not liking how I looked period. 

Now don’t get the wrong idea, I think I’m beautiful. I love myself. Every once in a while at least. Ok so it’s a fluctuating thing but again, I’m working on it. I don’t think weight is tied to beauty though. So many times I’ve said that I wanted to lose weight and people’s response would be “No you’re beautiful!”. I said I was overweight, not ugly. How is it possible that I can look at women who look like me and find them stunning but I am unable to do the same for myself? 

How is it possible that I can look at women who look like me and find them stunning but I am unable to do the same for myself? 

A friendly/unfriendly discussion

I recently had a long and slightly heated discussion with some girlfriends over the range of sizes displayed on ads and fashion shows today. There were two sides; one arguing that showing overweight and obese people on ads was indulging and normalizing unhealthy lifestyles, and the other side aguring that these ads have never represented a healthy lifestyle, but rather an accepted beauty standard, and people of all sizes are beautiful.

I struggled to distance myself from feeling personally attacked when I heard certain comments. “They’re making it acceptable to be fat”, “I don’t want my kids to want to think it’s okay to look like that”. Granted, I actually agree. I want my future kids to be healthy and while I think that this is a standard that everyone should strive for, it was nearly impossible to take myself out of the equation. All I heard was, “They’re making it acceptable to look like you, Damaris”, “I don’t want my kids to think it’s okay to look like you do”.

I wrestled with thoughts, trying desperately to release myself from their paralyzing grip in order to have a normal discussion. Not a day goes by that I don’t hear my insecurities, my family’s comments, my friends worries, and society’s standards echoing in my head telling me all the wrong things… Again, I’m working on it. 

Photoshoot

Anyway, back to the photoshoot. I said yes. I said yes because if I can know that women who look like me are beautiful and I want to show others that beauty is not dependent on size, then it’s kind of my duty to show and believe that about myself as well. I’d really LOVE to love myself, but that’s much easier said than done. I will continue pushing myself, bettering myself, and giving myself grace until that happens. I don’t know if this shoot will absolutely highlight all of my insecurities or if I will leave feeling empowered; either way, I’m glad I’m doing something that scares me. 

Wish me luck.