Oops I’m stranded

Aimless. That’s what I feel like. I’ve left my apartment twice in the last week. Despite only being 21, I haven’t had a real vacation in years. I have now been given time and it’s terrifying. I’m stranded by my own paralysis. What am I supposed to do all alone with no purpose?

I’ve long gained a strong sense of pride from my independence and ability to be on my own. I enjoy my own company; I don’t get bored easily. I can fend for myself; but for some reason this time around feels different. For less than a week I’ve had an abundance of free time and instead of feeling empowered and rested, I feel stagnant. Unsure. Floating. 

Survivalist Tendencies

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a bit of a latent survivalist. A trace of paranoia inspired by religion or just regular nuttiness drove five-year old Damaris tot keep a go-bag in her closet that has not left her since. Outfitted with money, a pocket-knife, a change of clothes and a stuffed animal, she was always ready to go. Not much has changed today with the constant threat of war or an attack always in the back of my head. The 21 year old me doesn’t differ much from the 5 year old me apparently. I’ve run over emergency scenarios countless times in my head, knowing exactly how long it would take me to pack the essentials and what those essentials are. I’ve even gone as far as buying extra pocket knives, first-aid kits, and having an instructional note on my phone labeled BOICO (Break Open In Case Of…). 

Bouts of paranoia-based curiosity propel me out of bed at 2am with the sudden realization that I don’t know how to make glue naturally or that I’ve forgotten how to make a tourniquet. This incessant need for independence and control is taken to new frantic levels. It’s alarming to see the wispy line which society has drawn to protect us from the laws of nature.

It’s alarming to see the wispy line which society has drawn to protect us from the laws of nature.

Think about it for a second. What could you do for yourself if the electricity was cut off? If you didn’t have plumbing? Do you know how to make your own soap? How to find water? Do you know how to make shelter? Hunt? Gather? Make clothes? Where does yeast come from? For all our technological advances and knowledge our generation would be worse than useless if dropped into the Stone Age. 

Stranded in plain sight

This is all to say that I’ve always thought that I was prepared for an emergency situation. Years of research and obsession have made it so that I know how to take care of myself. How to be alone. How to be stranded. 

I was wrong. Even with all of the knowledge I’ve procured over the years, I never considered the mental aspect of being stranded. In my apartment I’m rendered exhausted by the taxing hunt for spices in the back of the cupboard or the trudge from my bed to the couch. My impressive feats of the day are working out and maybe opening the door once or twice to get some sunlight. I’m not sure what kind of mental funk I’m in right now, but it has me stranded in the open, in plain sight. 

Let’s hope my survival instincts kick in soon and I rejoin the land of the living.