Oops I think I’m obsessive

obsessive

Have you noticed that nobody is as spontaneous as they think? 

As a kid, my classmates and I would plead with teachers for the chance to pick our own seats. Assigned seats felt like another display of power and force; deciding exactly the 2ft which we would spend our day in. I relished in freedom in college, only to realize that everyone would sit in the exact same seat every day. Indignation and damped rage stirred in my chest if someone else dared to sit in ‘my’ seat. We all have our favorite seat in a coffee shop, our go-to Chipotle order, our favorite mug, our place on the sofa. Is this human nature? Do we really all succumb to our comfort and habits and call it life or have we somehow cracked the code to simplicity and efficiency?

Regardless of how much we grumble and strain against imposed rules and regulations, if left to our own devices, they are often the same ones that we make for ourselves. As a self-proclaimed spontaneous person, I am quickly realizing that I’ve mislabeled myself. How can a spontaneous person order the same Starbucks drink every time? Go to the same park to read? Have a set skin-care routine?

Maybe I’m weird?

While I don’t have any kind of formal obsessive personality traits, I’ve noticed some patterns in the way that my brain works. There are some self-imposed rules that I MUST follow. I can’t eat while I’m on the phone; can’t take the curved route on my way home. I have to repeat a character’s monologues in my head when watching a movie. 

Listening to a new song on repeat for days. Cooking the same meal over and over again. Wearing different variations of the same outfit. Rewatching New Girl for the thousandth time.

Are these quirks, habits, or indicators of a slightly obsessive personality?

Maybe this borderline problematic trait has served me well; maybe my obsession with success and fulfillment have driven me to where I am today. Maybe this debatable trait is what allows me to deeply connect to the things that I see, hear, and experience. Perhaps a repetitive, obsessive base is what I need to counter the spontaneous sharps and flats in my life’s melody. This trait of mine may be what keeps me grounded in myself as I move from place to place and expand the mosaic of experiences that make up my life. 

Then again, this could just be a flowery manner of explaining away something that will definitely manifest itself into a problem. I guess we’ll see.