Oops… I’m crying in Paris

Crying in Paris

La goutte d’eau qui fait déborder la vase. The straw that broke the camel’s back. 

Your local camel’s back has been broken the last couple of weeks. A sudden inundation of stress, pressure and work has been flooding my mind and left me gasping for air… drowning. 

Paris provides a pretty fantastic backdrop in the midst of a freakout… crying in beautiful parks, mental health walks past monuments, desperation runs along the Seine, a glass or two of wine for the pain. 

The truth about moving abroad is that it can be incredibly lonely. When shit hits the fan, your friends, family, your community is on the other side of the world.  My grit and determination seemed to have carried me up until now, but what happens when they waver?

Apparently we are all in this together

I’ve recently come to the depressing realization that I need people. As a self-declared ‘lone wolf’, I prided myself on radical independence. My philosophy in life was that I didn’t need anyone… Those who were in my life were there because I wanted them there, not because I needed them to be. Unfortunately, and surprisingly (this doesn’t happen often), I am being proven wrong. 

The pressure of finding a job, the stress of looking for an apartment, the anxiety of an empty bank account, the fear of failure, the hassle of needing to ask for support. Life is a lot right now, and even harder alone. Misery loves company. 

I just want to hug my dog. To feel the sun on my face as I drive my car and blast music in the warm summer air. I want to play every song that explains how I’m feeling with words I didn’t write. 

I knew that this year was going to be hard; it was set up to be a defining year in my life, a truly transformational year. It’s living up to the hype. 

In retrospect, the hardest periods in my life are the times that I can confidently say that I’ve grown the most. I grew more confident in my person, my abilities, my boundaries, my relationships. I forgot about the heartbreak, stress, and distress endured to get to that point. This too shall pass. 

As my grandmother says, ‘We are condemned to live between the floor and the ceiling’.

Check-In

Now, let’s do a little reality check. I am healthy, safe, smart, capable, worthy, and in an incredible position in life… I’m just a little stressed as well. 

I’m learning that it’s okay to need my community, it’s okay to be stressed, and it’s okay to go through transitional periods. It will all work out how it’s supposed to. 

For now, I’ll put my head down and work, keeping in mind that warm summer air awaits me at the end. 

In conclusion, I’m fine. This adulting thing is just hard sometimes. 

crying in Paris

Crying in Paris