Oops I… may be a bad feminist

feminist

I know, I know, not my best look. This week I’ve grappled with conflicting feelings; one side of me threatened and poised for battle and the other nurturing side was ready to clean up whoever I had just thrashed. Monday morning, cheery and with a croissant in hand, I sat down to work when I found out that my team was getting a new french intern, the family member of an established, high-level employee no less. The news temporarily shattered my newly found confidence in my job. What if my team decided to 100% switch to French and I was excluded? If they gave her my work? What if she was better than me? My competitive side put on a nasty face as my threatened ego prepared for war. 

Shouldn’t I, as a woman and self-proclaimed feminist, have been thrilled that another woman was joining our primarily male team? Did I not think that two women could be good at something and valued equally? I had begun to fight for a perceived singular, coveted spot. My nails dug into my palm just at the thought of replacement. There’s room enough for both of us. 

How many times do we as women turn on each other instead of banding together? 

Tale as old as time

Unfortunately, I don’t think this is a new problem for me. Growing up as a tomboy and as ‘one of the guys’, I developed a fierce protectiveness of my place as the ‘accepted female’ in groups of men. I didn’t care if that acceptance was achieved through being sporty, funny or flirty; I just wanted to keep my spot. I began to look down on females with very feminine qualities, dismissing them as weak while secretly being jealous of the attention they got. This lamentable characteristic has migrated from my personal life to my professional life now as well. I had gotten used to being the girl of the group in my team with two other men. Now faced with another female invasion, the threatened female bore her fangs instead of welcoming her kin.

This mini panic has made me reflect on a lifetime of unconsciously pitting myself against my sisters. It made me realise this habit goes against what I stand for and what I believe is special about women. 

It’s been a week now since the new intern started and I’m happy to say that she is really cool. I’d love to say that it is my own personal growth that has made me more comfortable with her presence and not the fact that she is a young nepotism hire who doesn’t know anything about our industry yet, but who’s to say for sure? 

What can I say? I’m a feminist in progress.